"So what else are you into."
"I'm a big movie buff, and I read a lot of superhero comics."
"Haha, oh jeez, superheroes."
"Not a fan?"
"Oh, no, they're fine, I just, um, deal with them a lot at work."
"Oh, wow, really? Huh, I guess that makes sense. Those costumes are all sexualized, and you read comics in your developing years or you never read them at all. I never really thought about it, though."
"Never?"
"Well, I mean, not really. I'm not immune to a convention girl in a skimpy costume, but superheroes are pretty far from sex in my brain. I think superhero comics and cartoons are pretty deeply embedded in a part of my brain that just wants to be a kid still, and there's not really any place for sex there."
"So, you weren't into girls when you were a kid?"
"Oh, no, I definitely was. Hell, when I was a kid, I did find superheroes sexy. Do you remember... well, I guess you wouldn't remember. I dunno if girls have a version of this or not, but when you're a boy, when you get to a certain age, you start getting erections. And it's like a good year or two before you start masturbating, you just have these boners for some reason and it's so confusing and you worry that you're sick or something."
"Yeah, we do, it's called a period."
"Oh yeah. Um, sorry. Well, anyway, I have this memory. When I was a kid, and I didn't want to go to sleep, I'd sneak into the bathroom and read Animorphs or play Pokemon on my Gameboy, and if Mom asked why I was up I'd say I had to go to the bathroom. So, this one time, I don't know if it was my first erection or what, but I remember I had been looking at this picture in Wizard magazine for days, just looking at this picture of this girl in a bikini. I remember the picture exactly, perfectly clear in my head, but I'm not going to show it to you because it's completely embarrassing. I mean, it was the worst kind of over-sexualized yet not-actually-sexy comic book woman proportions, but I didn't know that back when I was eleven or twelve or however old I was. Anyway, I go to the bathroom one night and sit on the toilet and flip to this page and look at the comic book bikini girl, and watch as my dick goes up, then flip to another page and wait for my dick to go down again. I kept doing this over and over, experimentally, kind of amazed but wondering why my dick would do that, just all on it's own, like it was a completely separate entity from the rest of my body."
"It kind of is. Dicks, in general, I mean, not just yours. The tail leads the dog. You know, vagina means 'sheathe,' like you sheathe your sword. But 'penis' doesn't mean sword. It means 'tail.'"
"I would have completely forgotten that story forever, but a couple years ago I was at Dragon*Con, and I entered this superhero costume contest."
"What were you dressed as?"
"Maidman. He's like Batman, but with a theme of a french maid instead of a bat."
"And yet you pretend it's not a sex thing."
"Yeah, yeah. So one of the judges for the contest was the guy who drew that bikini girl. I wanted to walk up to him and say 'thank you so much, you helped me discover my sexuality," but, well, how do you say that to someone?"
"You never know, he might have been flattered. Or maybe he hears that all the time. Maybe he hates hearing it all the time and secretly wishes he could just draw flowers or something."
"Hm, maybe. But Georgia O'Keefe drew flowers and everyone thought those were vaginas anyway. Guess that's the thing about sex, you can't get away from it, no matter how much you much you wish you could just read about Batman beating up the Joker."
"Batman and Joker are just doing it because they're gay for each other, anyway."
"See? Exactly what I mean."
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